For the sake of capitalism

Muthoni Njue

Starring the Bible, entrepreneurship, Post-scriptum and I


P.S about P.S : Expect a lot of unnecessary Postscript.

Other P.S about P.S: Yes it is postscript but the origin word is Latin; Post-scriptum and it sounded fancy.

P.S before the script: Before we go much further I’d like us to all remember all through this narration that even giants fall sometimes.

Image credits: Pinterest
Edits: Moi

Would I do anything for money? Depends on how dire the situation is. But then again, it is capitalism. The situation already is dire.

The ghosts under my bed as a kid have become my empty bank account as an adult. I have sat in quarantine and driven myself crazy just thinking each day of this predicament.

I am a very calculated person. I do not make decisions without consideration. A lot of it. All this was true until I was left without a…

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My thumb wants to kill me

Muthoni Njue

… my hrumb is trying to kil me sxend bgelp

That is not an editing error. That is how I have been typing for the past two weeks, when I even type at all. No exaggeration. No nothing. Aki. I promise.

My most functional finger of the hand, which for lack of research we will assume is the thumb, is not working. Exactly how a device would stop working. I woke up one day and my thumb said “No. Leave me alone. It’s 2020. It’s been a long year. I want rest and I cannot tell you for how long”. So basically I don’t even know when it gets better. If it gets better. I am three weeks into this, and there is no light, just a tunnel. A dark painful swollen tunnel.

Let me address the elephant in the room other than my swollen thumb. Yes, I have become…

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Alexa, play “Pretty Hurts”

Muthoni Njue

Find attached the most unflattering photo, but it will all make sense, I promise

Going by evidence of a personal photo, you can tell that this is very unusual. On matters angles, you surely can forgive a girl. At the time, I really thought this was the only way to hide a fivehead, until the other gender figured that out. They always ruin everything. On matters filters, well, how can I say this without sounding old, there was a little something called Retrica and I really thought I had a little something going on with it. On matters beauty, of course we all agree that I am a celestial being, unmatched gorgeousness, earth shattering beauty, the yet-to-be-named wonder of the world but humble as ever. Which is why I was playing it down here – to fit in with the mortals, to deflect the shine off me, you’re welcome. Moving…

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Baba yoyo.

Opinionated

“Where did you find this book?” My mum asked. I just stood there staring at her, as if I am not allowed to find books especially the ones I had stolen from her.I did not feel the need to answer.

“Is it labelled?”, she says as she peruses through the pages, ofcourse it wasn’t labelled, no name no nothing. That’s what caught my eye , that’s why I stole it….Continued in the blog💃💃💃💃💃….

https://opinionated.co.ke/single.php?id=24

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Yes sir, I’m fine

Opinionated

Pc:Instagram

My shirt, Gikomba.

Yours Yves St. Laurent- but I’m fine

My trouser, crimplene-on khaki

Yours, English wool-but sir, I’m fine

My Education, Nil

Yours, honors and honorary-but sir I’m fine

My meals, constant limited menus

Yours, five courses, candle-lit- but sir I’m fine

My shelters, ten feet by ten feet

Yours, uptown, split level ten-room-but sir I’m fine

My transport, weary legs

Yours, 3-5 litre 2 m.p.g-but sir I’m fine

I see you in my sweat absorbed

To water the seeds of development,

Your development

In you and yours

I see my taxes and my Harambee contributions

But need I complain?

Did I not cast my vote??

In the true spirit of democracy to afford you, your one way ticket to affluence??

My daughter, your maid-tells me you are doing fine

And I’m happy

My uncle, your cook-tells me you are doing fine

And I’m happy

My niece, your…

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Things everyone hates about you.

Opinionated

Before we go any further, let me confess, I stole this title from a television series and switched it up a bit. It came out in 1999, a year after I was born, and a young Gabriel Union stars in it (see why I like it). Now that we are being honest, let’s get to the chief objective.I am not only going to be blunt but also brutal.

I am a lover, of food , of words, of acts but on the contrary I am also a hater of a whole lot of things, things that people do. I know you do too. Let’s talk about how you rumble non-stop at the cinemas or during movie nights, how you update us on the next move, how you ask endless questions. No one cares if you have watched the movie before or if you are watching it for the 100th time…

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Beyhive shenanigans.

Opinionated

Pc: instagram

You’re mad, she’s mad, he’s mad (insert tekashi 69’s GOOBA voice) heck everyone is mad. The reason you ask, Beyonce released a film, an African inspired film called black is king and it has not settled well with most of you. I read somewhere that when a person is hurt you have no right to tell them how much they should hurt, point is you hurt them and that’s on menstrual cycle! because we don’t use periodt! here lest we are called angry and black.But this time hurt or not, we need to talk.

For the longest time I was not part of the beyhive but now I am, so feel free to think this piece is biased. I preffered badgilriri to her because truth be told you she is more ‘African’ and also sings like a nightingle but that’s besides my point. She is also called queen…

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The right to die

Opinionated

Pc: @violadavies

When viola Davies gave her oscar winning speech after three failed nominations she said, “the richest place on earth is the graveyard and we as creatives have the chance to exhume those dreams by telling those stories ” As true as that might be, as beautiful as that might sound I think she missed a point… Some dreams deserve to die…just hear me out. ( P.S viola davies is the star of the TV series How to get away with murder)

I am talking about your rapper boyfriend who has released one audio, has the word ‘rap’ and gang signs in his bio. The one who doesn’t hesitate to state that he is a rapper when introducing himself. The same one who smokes all day and listens to hiphop. Don’t get me wrong, dressing like a rapper, looking like a rapper sounding like a rapper without actually rapping…

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My covid experience

Opinionated

Pc: getty images

I know you have probably heard enough of it.You can no longer stand kagwe’s automated speech, journalists highlighting the plight of those affected by this pandemic…lack of stadiums with actual fans, KOT waiting to prey on the next ‘scandal’ and do not even get me started on Edgar Obares and X-tian Delas of this world. But there is more to covid than what the media keeps shoving down our throats. To me, there is a bigger picture, I call it a blessing in disguise.

On life, today a kid with downsyndrome waved at me, me! amongst a crowd he chose me ,and just that, a wave and a smile turned my whole day around. The fact that a single person’s smile can make my day is change in itself. A few months ago I could not bat an eyelid at a kid, leave a lone a differently…

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This is us.

Opinionated

Pc: @jamaica photos

I am actually writing this piece from the comfort of my bed.You can’t really blame me, its July, the coldest month of the year. This is the first time in a long time that July has found me home, I am gonna take this moment as a sign and run with it, write about home, the land of hills and valleys, the land of matoke. My motherland.

I grew up in a place where the soil has always been red and sky has always been gay. A place where July also indicates ‘mapera’ and avocado season apart from low degrees and cold mornings. Heck, everything about me screams my tribe, the way I talk the way I walk even the way I handle things. My school friends need to stop telling me that I am kikuyu till I open my mouth ( I hope you see this)

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